


Can't stand to see you in pain

by CreateOwnHell



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, heavy showki, i love me some issues, kihyun is spiraling down, they are all so close and worried
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-11-08 03:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11073240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreateOwnHell/pseuds/CreateOwnHell
Summary: Kihyun is tired, so fucking tired. It was about time he finally broke.





	1. Watch me fall

**Author's Note:**

> crossposted from my wattpad sadbutbeautifulyouth

''Yah, Minhyuk, clean up after yourself. I am not a damn maid'' Kihyun yelled, leaning on the kitchen door, ''and stop laughing, what's so funny?'' Kihyun looked like he was about to pop a vein on his forehead.

''I am sorry Kihyun, it's hard to take you seriously when you look like a scolding mother.'' Minhyuk laughed, clutching his stomach and slowly trying to back away from this situation. He knows he just angered the other. He might certainly die by Kihyun's hands because of that, but it was worth it. What a way to go out.

''Aishh, come back here and clean up. How did you even mess up this bad, IT WAS JUST INSTANT RAMEN?'' Kihyun rubbed his temples, this whole situation was ridiculous. And honestly he doesn't know how much he can take.

''What's going on, I heard mom's yelling.'' Wonho popped his head in the kitchen, interrupting the chase for Minhyuk's head.

''AAAA Wonho-hyung, help me, I am about to get killed, and I don't think monbebes will be happy about my death. '' Minhyuk clung onto Wonho's arm.

''Don't worry they'll get over, I'll make sure of it.'' Kihyun glared down at Minhyuk, making the other's blood run cold. Minhyuk slowly backed away and out of the kitchen, there was just something threatening in Kihyun's eyes.

In all honesty, Kihyun isn't sure why he was so mad at him. It's not like Minhyuk hadn't made a mess before. He certainly hasn't been this angry about it.

Kihyun looked around the room, trying to ground himself, to calm down. Finally, he walked over to a chair and sat down, trying to get his breathing under control. He was hyperventilating and the world around him seemed to turn into a big blur. And he was alone, and scared.

_Someone help!_

''Are you alright, Ki?'' Kihyun felt someone take his hand, warm and steady feeling filling him. Even when the tears in his eyes made the world like he is looking through the fog, he knew who it was. Someone who has always had the power to make him feel calm and at ease by just looking at him.

_Shownu._

He tried to smile at the other.

''Don't force it Kihyun.'' Shownu said calmly, rubbing circles on Kihyun's hand.

And that was enough to push Kihyun over the edge. The floodgates opened. The sudden outburst took Shownu by surprise but he collected himself making his way towards the younger one.

He hugged Kihyun close who clung onto him like he was his lifeline. He was sobbing into Shownu's chest, a mixture of tears and snot soaked through his shirt but he didn't care. Not when his teammate was clearly in pain.

Minhyuk peeked through the door, wanting to apologize to Kihyun, only to see Shownu hugging a crying Kihyun close to his chest. He felt so guilty for not noticing that Kihyun was clearly going through something.

In all honesty, everyone, Hyungwon, Changkyun, Jooheon, Wonho, Minhyuk and Shownu had noticed a sudden change in Kihyun's personality. No one just knew why.

After a while Kihyun seemed to have calmed down, the sobbing had stopped. Shownu looked down only to see that Kihyun had fallen asleep in his arms. He then carefully took him into his arms and carried the smaller one into his bed.

He laid Kihyun down to his bed and pat his head before going to the living room, where everyone had gathered, obviously wanting to ask about the incident.

When Shownu stepped into the living room, he noticed Wonho was comforting Minhyuk, and everyone else stared at him, clearly hoping for answers.

The room was full of painful silence, no one knew what to say. Everyone hoped for someone to open their mouth and voice what they all were thinking.

''So, uhm...'' Jooheon tried to form a sentence, rubbing the back of his neck, feeling awkward.

''Is he alright?'' Changkyun finished the sentence for Jooheon. And everyone else nodded in agreement.

''I don't know,'' Shownu rubbed his temple, ''he is sleeping right now. I'll talk to him when he wakes up, for the time being just try not to upset him.'' The leader sounded so tired.

''What did you even do Minhyuk, he was okay before he stepped into the kitchen.'' Jooheon asked, but it sounded like he was accusing Minhyuk.

''Are you blaming me? I didn't do anything I haven't done before.'' Minhyuk lashed out.

''I'm sorry, I'm not blaming you.'' The older rapper apologized. ''It's just that, this whole situation is stupid.'' He let out a sigh.

''I think we all need to calm down and rest.'' Shownu said with a soft smile on his face, making everyone feel less on the edge.

Everyone stood up and started walking towards their rooms. When Shownu suddenly grabbed Changkyun's hand, startling the younger one.

''Would it be okay if I changed rooms with you for tonight Changkyun. I'd feel better if I knew he slept peacefully.''

''Yes of course hyung. Take care of Kihyun-hyung.'' Changkyun smiled giving the older one a pat on the shoulder before walking away.

Shownu laid down on the bed, staring at Kihyun's sleeping face. He looked so peaceful and young, free of any worries. His delicate features seemed even more prominent in the light from the street making its way through the curtains and onto the vocalist's face.

He closed his eyes, but little did he know that this was going to be a long night.


	2. Catch me

The bedroom was illuminated. The light of the moon mixed with city lights spreading all over the place, casting shadows everywhere. All of it looked so peaceful, except for one thing.

Kihyun was tossing and turning in his bed. Eyes moving rapidly as if he was trapped in a nightmare. The white light on his face making him look even more terrified.

Shownu being a light sleeper, he heard the rustling, so he shot is eyes wide open and quickly dashed to Kihyun's side.

He knew he had to wake the other up, but didn't want to startle him. He softly called out Kihyun's name few times, but it didn't work.

He then gently put his hand on Kihyun's shoulder and slowly tried to wake him up. It seemed to work because Kihyun stopped moving.

He rubbed his eyes, trying to adjust to the darkness and make sense of his surroundings. Finally, his eyes landed on the person by his bed.

Everything around Kihyun seemed to stop, because of Shownu's intense gaze on him.

Why is he here? Why is he looking at me like that? Why why why...

Millions of questions and theories running through his mind, one crazier than the other. He already felt ashamed to have broken down near the older. He hates showing his weak side.

''I'm sorry, hyung. I'm sorry...'' Kihyun whimpered.

''You know I'm always here if you need me, right? Not just me, the others as well. Just talk to someone.'' Shownu whispered into Kihyun's hair, before resting his cheek on the top of the other's head and pulling the shorter one closer with his arm around the waist.

Shownu leaning against the wall and Kihyun on his chest. It was a little bit painful for his back, but Shownu wasn't going to do anything about it, if Kihyun was comfortable.

Kihyun was shifting in the leader's arms, trying to decide if he wants to escape or not. He chose to stay, because the arms around him filled him with warmth.

Shownu feels like home.

He is safe.

After few minutes of silence, Shownu thought that maybe Kihyun had fallen asleep again.

Kihyun on the other hand finally decide to tear his heart open and wide. At this point, what does he have to lose? Nothing.

''It's just too much. Everything suddenly is too much. Sometimes I feel my own lungs collapse and I can't breathe. I am tired, so tired I just want to quit everything.'' Kihyun spilled his guts.

Shownu looked at him with confusion, wanting to say something, but Kihyun continued.

''Sometimes I hope that one day I'll push myself too much during practice and I collapse and never wake up again. And other times I hope for an accident or something. Because then I don't have to explain why I left.''

Kihyun took a huge breath in to gather himself. ''But then I look at you and others, determination and love for what you are doing spreads over to me and I feel like I can take on the world. And this constant emotional shift is so tiring, I just...'' He clenched his jaw, holding back tears that were about to spill over once again.

Shownu was at loss of what to say or to do. He was aware of mental illness developing in this kind of industry, the pressure, the training and expectations and so on. One of jobs as a leader was to always keep watch over the others, to notice when someone was spiraling down and to catch them before it gets too bad. Shownu was mad at himself that it took Kihyun to breakdown for him to finally act upon his suspicions.

Did Kihyun think he couldn't trust anyone? Have they given off that vibe of not caring? Because not once has Kihyun gone to someone to talk about what's bothering him.

''Don't blame yourself, hyung. It's not your, or anyone else's fault.'' Kihyun stated, after noticing that Shownu was thinking hard about something. It was not Kihyun's intent to make the other feel guilty or anything.

''How did you know what I was thinking?'' Shownu questioned, rising his eyebrows in shock, which made Kihyun let out a laugh. He was adorable like that. Shownu shows a lot of emotions in his eyes, if you know how to read them. Which Kihyun had learned over time.

''You are not hard to read you know, others may call you a robot, but I have found you to be the most expressive person out of all of us.'' Kihyun grinned, previous conversation forgotten for the time being.

Shownu just smiled softly at that, glad that Kihyun is feeling good enough to tease him.

Kihyun suddenly gasped and faced Shownu. Pointing his finger accusingly on the other's chest.

''Hyuuung~~ did you throw Changkyunnie out of the room?'' the shorter one whined.

Shownu scratched behind his neck shyly. ''I asked him to change rooms, I wanted to keep an eye on you, to make sure you were okay.'' He turned his head away, feeling awkward about this confession.

''Thank you.'' Kihyun was thankful it was dark because his cheeks were literally burning. He is not used to Shownu being this straight forward. And in any other situation, Kihyun would act disgusted to anything sentimental or cheesy.

Kihyun leaned back into Shownu's chest without thinking. And Shownu pulled him into his embrace and laid them both down to bed to get some sleep.

Neither said anything, because nothing needed to be said.

It was such an intimate scene between the two man, that if someone were to see it, they'd have to look away because it was just for the two of them only.

Tomorrow Shownu is going to figure out his next step for Kihyun and everyone in general. But right now, for a split second, both are pretending that everything is alright.


	3. Don't let me go

When Shownu woke up, he was in the bed alone.

He got up quickly, worried about Kihyun's disappearance. He relaxed when he heard a loud laughter come from the other room, did he register one of them as Kihyun's.

Shownu went to the kitchen, seeing Kihyun being his old self as if the events of yesterday were nothing but a bad dream.

''Morning.'' Shownu mumbled to Kihyun who was making pancakes with the help of Changkyun. Minhyuk was sitting behind a counter doing a dramatic reading of some children's book.

''Minhyuk, aren't you a little old for children's book.'' Changkyun asked.

''Aren't you a little young to disrespect your elders.'' Minhyuk answered.

They have been at each other's throats since Minhyuk woke up Changkyun who apparently was having the best dream and Minhyuk interrupted it.

Shownu decided it's best to leave the two deal with it, they'll be fine like always.

''How are you Ki?'' Shownu asked, standing next to Kihyun who was busy trying to flip the pancake.

''I'm fine.'' Kihyun answered, avoiding Shownu's gaze.

Shownu wasn't going to mention the blushing cheeks and the red ears. Kihyun was probably embarrassed enough as it was. So he let him cook in peace and went to take a shower.

The morning passed by in peace, everyone was cheerful, making jokes, but most importantly, Kihyun seemed happy.

Nothing ever lasts. And neither did Kihyun's sanity.

They were rehearsing a dance for a special stage coming up soon. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't that complicated either.

But Kihyun had problems memorizing the moves. He never had that before. And it was frustrating.

Wonho kept pointing it out. Shownu was dreading around it carefully.

Kihyun could sense the frustration from everyone.

''Let's take a break.'' Shownu announced after another stumble Kihyun made.

The two rappers said they are going to go over the lyrics for their new song and left the dance room. Minhyuk sat next to Hyungwon and Wonho in the corner, trying to take a nap.

Kihyun stood frozen in the middle of the room, staring at the ground as if it was the most interesting thing he had ever seen.

''Kihyun.'' Shownu put his hand on Kihyun's shoulder gently, so he wouldn't startle the other.

''Hnn? I'm fine hyung.'' Kihyun said automatically. As if that was the only thing he has ever said in his life.

Shownu guided him to sit down next to him.

The trio in the other end of the room watched the scene and thought it better to leave. Give them privacy.

''Why did they leave? Am I really that fucked up they can't wait to get away from me?''

''You are not. They just gave us privacy.'' Shownu answered.

''Talk to me. What's on your mind? You have never had problems with memorizing the steps, something is bothering you. Tell me.'' Shownu's voice sounded like an order, and when has anyone ever denied Shownu.

''I...I...'' Kihyun tried to start saying something. ''It's like... Uh...'' But nothing wanted to come out. How could he explain how he kept imagining his body drop on the ground, cold. Or how he wanted to run out of this place and find his end under a car. Or how someone would just snap his neck. He had so many scenarios of his death.

''I'm really just tired.'' He finally managed to push out a sentence.

''But not the kind a sleep would fix?'' Shownu asked. He seemed to understand at least a little.

''Yes. It's like... I mean...'' Kihyun stumbled upon his words again. His breathing was getting uneven.

''Is there something you want to do that would help?'' Shownu kept asking.

''I.. I ... don't.'' Kihyun's speaking got interrupted.

His heart rate grew rapidly, and there were black spots in his vision. His lungs felt like they were on fire and no air seemed to get in.

Shownu saw Kihyun's hands shake and one glance at the other's face, he knew Kihyun was panicking.

Shownu knew a little about panic attacks, one of the trainees back in JYP had them and he looked that up.

He shifted away from Kihyun so the other wouldn't feel so crowded, but didn't leave so he wouldn't be alone.

''Is there something you need?'' Shownu whispered.

Kihyun was reaching out his hands, as if he was trying to grab something.

''Do you want to hold my hand?''

Kihyun nodded.

''Kihyun. I need you to focus on me, look at me. Can you do that for me?'' Shownu held Kihyun's hand, running circles with his thumb in a calming manner.

Kihyun's eyes finally seemed to stop on Shownu's face.

''Good. Now, I want you to name me things you love.'' Shownu said.

''Kihyun... Kihyun, can you do that?'' He asked again because Kihyun said nothing.

''Music...Singing... Mom...'' Kihyun finally named few things. Shownu let out a gasp of relief.

''Go on.'' He encouraged the other.

''Hahahha,'' Kihyun started laughed through the tears. ''I feel pathetic. I'm sorry.''

''It's okay sweety, go on, tell me anything you want.''

It was amazing how calm and collected Shownu was, he couldn't let his own worries shine through, it would only make Kihyun more panicky.

Kihyun started telling a story when his mother would teach him how to bake a cake and how he spilled a bag of flour on him and his mother laughed and called him his little ghost.

Shownu noticed that little by little Kihyun seemed to calm down. He stopped shaking eventually.

''Sorry Shownu.''

''It's okay, lean on me when you need. I'll be there.'' Shownu said and wiped away the tears on Kihyun's face.

''Come to me when it gets too much.'' Shownu said and hugged Kihyun close to his chest.

''Can you continue with the practice or...?'' Shownu asked.

''Yeah, I feel better now.''

''You can come in guys.'' Shownu said, he had noticed before that Changkyun had peeked his head in the door but closed it when he saw the scene.

''Let's start from the beginning.'' the leader said and helped Kihyun stand up.

Shownu could tell that the others were worried and had questions. And he did too.

Luckily the rest of the practice went without a hitch.

\----

''Shownu, what are we going to do about Kihyun?'' Wonho cornered Shownu. It hurt Wonho to see one of his teammates suffer and not being able to help.

''For now I hope he comes to us when things get hard, but if it gets worse, we need to tell the manager and we'll see what's next. I'm afraid this is out of our hands.'' Shownu tried to reassure Wonho, but he couldn't lie to him.

''His going to be fine...'' Wonho said, putting a hand on Shownu's shoulder. And oh how Shownu wished he could believe what Wonho said. But Wonho wasn't there to hear Kihyun. And if Shownu has anything to do with it, hopefully no one will, because it would break their hearts.

''Yea. You are right.'' Shownu smiled at Wonho. ''Let's go.''

 

And for a few days, Shownu believed Kihyun was going to be fine.

He shouldn't have let his guard down. He really shouldn't have.


	4. Shatter me

First day after the practice incident.

 

Everything seemed to gone back to normal. Kihyun was Kihyun again. Being his usual cheesy self.

Being a savage pair with Minhyuk, no soul was spared from them.

Being the team mom. Cleaning and nagging, but secretly happy about this.

Cooking whatever food someone asked him to make.

It’s like nothing had ever happened. And everyone was just glad to have Kihyun back.

It was just too easy for everyone to fall into this pretense.

They just wanted Kihyun back, and they thought they did.

Whatever had happened earlier, it felt like a bad dream and they were happy to wake from it.

 

Second day.

 

The practices went perfectly. They even had some free time to themselves. Kihyun suggested a movie night was in order.

It was all so fun. This was the most relaxing evening they’ve had in forever. One by one they fell asleep. Changkyun was draped over Wonho and Jooheon, Hyungwon was leaning on Minhyuk who was leaning on Shownu’s left side.

Kihyun was sitting on Shownu’s left. The two of them were still awake.

Hyunwoo felt Kihyun sneak his hand around his bicep. Classic Kihyun.

When he looked at Kihyun, the younger one smiled at him widely.

He was shining.

But even stars burn out and that without a warning.

Third day.

 

‘’He has been pacing around the place for hours now. Every time I asked him if I could help him or something he looked at me but I’m not sure he actually saw me. Like he looked at me, but his gaze was empty.’’ Minhyuk looked terrified when he talked to Hyungwon about it.

‘’We need to tell Shownu. When will he get back?’’ Hyungwon glanced at Kihyun, who finally had stopped moving around aimlessly.

‘’We don’t have anything to do today right?’’ Kihyun asked from the two. Hyungwon shook his head.

‘’Ok, I’m going to sleep.’’ Kihyun said and walked to Shownu’s bedroom. He closed the door with such a loud bang.

Leaving behind two confused vocalists.

‘’ You don’t think he is…’’ Minhyuk didn’t finish his sentence, just in case it will make it too real.

‘’He is what?’’ Hyungwon looked at him confused, what is Minhyuk implying.

‘’He is not going to hurt himself, right? He wouldn’t do that? Right Hyungwon? Right? He is proud and self-confident.’’ Minhyuk spoke, everything he said melted together.

Hyungwon was silent. Kihyun’s behavior looked oddly familiar to something he has witnessed before, but he can’t quite wrap his mind around it.

‘’I told Shownu-hyung to tell the manager what is going on, after I overheard his and Wonho’s conversation. I thought it be better to tell him before things go out of hand.’’ Hyungwon told Minhyuk. ‘’Not because I don’t trust their judgement, but this is really out of our hands.’’

‘’You know the way you are talking is scaring me.’’ Minhyuk said, his pupils grew twice the size.

 

 

 

‘’Shownu, Shownu!!!’’ Jooheon and Wonho almost knocked him over when he stepped into the room.

‘’Kihyun has locked himself into our room and he won’t open it.’’ Wonho spoke, agitated.

‘’Changkyunnie has been sitting behind the door for hours now. Talking a little, just so he wouldn’t feel lonely.’’ Jooheon added.

Shownu marched towards the room, Jooheon was right. Changkyun was sitting on the floor against the floor.

‘’Changkyun?’’ the leader nudged the youngest, who seemed to be nodding off on the door. ‘’Go rest okay?’’ he smiled at the sleepy boy. ‘’I’ll handle it.’’

‘’Wonho,’’ Shownu called for him, ‘’take Changkyun, he looks like he will fall asleep while walking.’’

‘’Hyungwon told me it’s better if I talk to the manager.’’ Shownu informed Wonho, he is after all basically the 2nd leader.

‘’What did he say?’’ Wonho asked, wrapping his arm around Changkyun who was sleeping in his arms.

‘’He is looking for a doctor just in case things get worse.’’ The leader said, glancing at the bedroom door.

‘’But they won’t.’’

‘’I don’t know Wonho. I mean it is my job to look after all of you, to make sure you are all fine. Yet Kihyun is…’’

‘’Fine. Kihyun is going to be fine. And don’t beat yourself up over this. You are doing an amazing job of being the leader. I figured that if anyone was going to break, it was going to be you.’’ Wonho nudged Shownu on the arm, smiling sadly, his attempt at being funny went over Shownu’s head. ‘’Besides, Kihyun is strong, he will pull himself through. He has us.’’

Except Wonho doesn’t believe what he said, and he knows Shownu definitely doesn’t. But sometimes you need to at least pretend for a moment that everything is fine. To make it easier.

Wonho left, leaving Shownu alone in the corridor.

‘’Ki,’’ Shownu knocked on the door very lightly and his voice was mellow, ‘’let me in.’’

Even to his own great surprise, Kihyun actually did open the door.

Shownu stepped in, turned on the lights because the room was dark. 

The moment he turned on the lamp, what Shownu saw broke his heart.

‘’SOMEONE CALL THE MANAGER AND AN AMBULENCE NOW!’’ Shownu yelled over the dorm, running towards Kihyun.

 ‘’I…I… I’m, it was just, I was feeling too much… and I pressed my nails into skin and the momentary relief I felt when it hurt. I needed more of it… I just needed pain to silence my thoughts.’’ Kihyun whispered, before collapsing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyhow ,, wow i ve done fuckt up , with this chapter i ll leave u hanging but hopefully for not too long,,, istg i feel like i ll pop up in like ten minutes hahaha ~~ i m only saying this because i ll be busy for 4 days but i ll probably squeeze in time to write anyways , remember me fondly


	5. Chapter 5

The whole room was blindingly white. It hurt Kihyun’s eyes, as he was trying to slowly open them and adjust to the surroundings. His head was hurting, like someone was stabbing it from the inside trying to get out.

He was feeling dizzy and disorientated, looking around the room, trying to remember where he was.

Ah yes, memories were flooding in. He quickly glanced down at his hands that were wrapped in bandages up to his elbows.

Kihyun felt like shit. Pathetic about how low he had stooped. And he just kept spiraling lower, not knowing how to stop, until yesterday happened, when he finally reached the bottom.

He remembers barely nothing of that day, except the itchy feeling in the back of his mind telling him all sorts of horrible things. And Kihyun was desperate for silence. He needed to silence the voices somehow. At least his method worked. He got the quietness.

Last thing he remembers was the fear in Shownu’s eyes before blacking out and waking up here.

He raised his eyes to the door that was being opened, a nurse had stepped in.

She said hello and nothing else. She took a blood sample, looked at his vitals, kind of moving around the room restless.

The whole atmosphere in the room was suffocating Kihyun.

‘’You have a visitor; do you want me to send him in or would you prefer I send him away?’’ The nurse said, her voice was void of emotion. She seemed tired. Anyone would be.

‘’Who is it?’’ Kihyun asked from her, praying that it’s not his parents. Hoping that they don’t know. It’s better if they don’t. They don’t deserve this, knowing how weak their son is. The shame that will come with it.

‘’Son Hyunwoo.’’ She answered.

‘’Yes, okay. Thank you.’’ Kihyun was surprised, but also really glad that he wasn’t abandoned just yet. Or maybe Shownu is there to tell him that he is kicked out of the group. NO no no…. If that’s the case he wishes he had cut a little deeper, so he wouldn’t have to hear his dream be shattered like this.

His mind was already creating ten different scenarios how it will go down. One worse than the other.

 

 

‘’Hey,’’ Shownu approached Kihyun carefully, ‘’how are you feeling? They didn’t want to let anyone here, but I kept pestering them.’’

‘’Like hell, why is everything so bright. How long was I out?’’ Kihyun asked, it’s not like had somewhere to be or he missed out on anything.

‘’2 days.’’ Shownu said. He was staring at Kihyun, like he was trying to convince himself that Kihyun was actually there. Alive and breathing. Just a little while ago he was holding Kihyun in his arms, slowly his life was fading away. Had the ambulance come few minutes later than it did, who knows what would have happened.

 

 

Kihyun looked at Shownu, like really looked at him. And he noticed just how tired the leader looked, his hair was a mess, his eyebags were so prominent without any makeup, but he was sure that even makeup wouldn’t cover the dark circles. Shownu looked like he hadn’t slept for days, and for all Kihyun knows, he probably hasn’t.

It stings Kihyun’s heart, that he was hurting others around him as well. That was never his intention. He thought that keeping everything to himself will be beneficial to others. Making someone worry about him was the last thing he wanted to do.

But that’s exactly what he did.

 

 

Kihyun had so many questions about his members. Are they okay? Are they eating fine, now that he isn’t there cooking. Is the dorm clean?

‘’You scared everyone.’’ Shownu said, it’s like he could read Kihyun’s mind.

‘’What did the doctor say, about me?’’

‘’They want to keep you here for a while, for evaluation, and let you out when they think you are ready.’’

‘’I don’t want to stay here, you can’t make me.’’ Kihyun protested, he sounded like a little kid who was being denied of something.

‘’It’s not up to me, maybe the company can pull some strings, but I’d rather you get the help from professionals.’’

‘’WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH?’’ Kihyun yelled in anger, he didn’t mean to. He didn’t want to scream, it just came out like that and he wanted to take it back, but it was already out there. The hurt he saw flash in Shownu’s eyes, it made Kihyun want to die all over again. My god he wants to take it back.

‘’Because I can’t continue to watch someone I love, wither away right in front of my eyes.’’ Shownu sounded so defeated, he slumped down on the chair, head in his hands.

Shownu was so lost.

‘’Shownu… I’m sorry…’’ Kihyun said, his voice cracking, reaching his hand out.

‘’Don’t. You keep saying sorry over and over, it’s losing its meaning.’’ It sounded a little bit too harsh for Shownu’s ears.

‘’I don’t know what you want me to say then.’’ Kihyun was frustrated, his head was a mess.

‘Nothing, I want you to try getting better, I told you I will be there, and I will. Just stop saying sorry if you deliberately continue keeping me or anyone out. Why are you so set on not accepting help? You can’t do this alone and you know it. Why do you keep rejecting us Ki.’’

 ‘’I’m sorry I’ve caused you and everyone trouble.’’ Kihyun apologized again. He keeps on apologizing all the time, because he just feels sorry for everything. He never meant to let things go on for as long as they did and as far as they did. He thought he had everything under control.

‘’They marked down your situation as a suicide attempt. ‘’

‘’But I wasn’t… I didn’t… I mean…’’ Kihyun tried to explain, but couldn’t put it into words.

‘’Will you try? They are assigning you a psychiatrist. Will you try getting better? That’s all I need to know.’’ Shownu asked, looking at Kihyun with desperation in his eyes.

‘’Can you…,’’ Kihyun was feeling embarrassed, ‘’I mean, is it okay to have someone else there. I don’t want to go alone.’’

Shownu smiled. Kihyun felt like he hadn’t seen Shownu smile for a whole century. He was blaming himself for the disappearance of Shownu’s smiles.

 

 

‘’Time’s up.’’ The nurse from before informed Shownu.

‘’I’ve already stayed longer than I was allowed. But I will be back tomorrow.’’ Shownu stood up and got closer to Kihyun, brushing his hair and gave a soft kiss on his forehead. ‘’I’m on your side Kihyun, remember that.’’ With that Shownu walked out of the hospital room, giving one last glance at Kihyun.

 _‘’Don’t go.’’_ Kihyun mouthed.

It broke Shownu’s heart, Kihyun looked so small and fragile in all that white color and he didn’t want to leave Kihyun’s side, not even for a second. Last time it happened, Kihyun almost died.

But maybe now he can finally take the first steps to recovery.

Shownu will deal with the fans, media, everything. He will be the first line of defense between Kihyun and everyone if it gets out.

 

 

‘’Miss?’’ Shownu approached the nurse from earlier. ‘’Is it really impossible to stay overnight?’’

‘’You are really worried about your boyfriend, aren’t you?’’ The nurse looked at Shownu sympathetically.

Shownu blushed at that up to his ears, shaking his hands in front of him. ‘’No no his… his not my boyfriend.’’

‘’It’s okay. I’ll see what I can do. Go.’’ The nurse approved and walked away.

 

 

‘’What’s wrong? Why are you back already?’’ Kihyun was confused, when Shownu came back to the room after having left only like 2 minutes ago.

‘’It didn’t sit well with me, leaving you here alone.’’ Shownu said sitting on the edge of the bed, he was yawning.

‘’You look so tired hyung,’’ Kihyun moved himself to make more room, ‘’you can sleep here.’’ He patted to the small space he created.

‘’It will be cramped, I’m fine Ki.’’

‘’Come on.’’ Kihyun used all his strength to pull Shownu down next to him, and shared his blanket.

The moment Shownu’s head hit the pillow he started to doze off.

‘’Don’t leave me Kihyun.’’ Shownu mumbled, squeezing Kihyun’s hand.

‘’I won’t.’’

It didn’t long for Kihyun to also fall asleep. This was the first most peaceful slumber he has had in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ''It's gonna get worse before it's gonna get better.''


	6. Build me up.

Kihyun stepped into his psychiatrist room. It looked like a regular doctor’s office, he was almost disappointed, he expected something else. Something that just screamed you are crazy in the head, kind of look.

‘’Hello.’’ The woman looked up from her papers. ‘’You can sit there.’’ She pointed at the chair across her.

‘’I’ll finish this quickly,’’ the doctor smiled, ‘’the person before you took a bit longer than I thought, I’m sorry.’’

‘’It’s okay.’’ Kihyun said, trying to appear friendly, to be honest he would have loved it if she took forever with it. But at least she looked friendly.

The sudden wave of anxiety hit him. He shouldn’t have come here alone. He is about to tell his deepest darkest secrets and problems to a complete stranger he just met 5 seconds ago. How is that going to help.

‘’Okay, all done.’’ She said and turned her attention to Kihyun. She could see from the way Kihyun hold himself, that the other was anxious.

‘’So,’’ she was looking at Kihyun’s file. ‘’how are you today?’’

Kihyun kept his mouth shut, he couldn’t form any sentences. And that question was very loaded.

‘’Everything that we discuss stays in between these four walls. You don’t have to hide, lie or pretend. All I want you to be is honest so I can help you.’’ She thought best to inform Kihyun.

‘’I don’t know where to begin.’’ Kihyun mumbled, god he was nervous. He really didn’t want to be here, not alone at least.

‘’How about we start with why you were hurting yourself?’’

Silence.

‘’Okay. How about you tell me what you are thinking right now?’’ She tried again.

‘’What’s wrong with me?’’ Kihyun finally opened his mouth after a minute of thinking, wording the sentence in his head, so when he spoke he sounded so tired and his voice was hoarse. ‘’One evening I went to sleep and when I woke up I wish I hadn’t. And I feel so guilty about it all the time. I don’t have any reason to feel like this. My life is good, I’m living my dream, I have a family who loves me, I’m close with my members. So why do I feel like none of it matters sometimes.’’

‘’Things like these don’t need a reason. There might be one, but it doesn’t need to have.’’ She was explaining.

‘’When will it stop? How do I make it stop?’’ Kihyun looked desperate, all he wants is just to get back to normal. He feels so foreign in his own skin all the time.

They talked for an hour. Kihyun, once he started, couldn’t stop.

‘’You have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow as well. Do you want me to prescribe you antidepressants? It’s your right to choose, but I would strongly recommend.’’ The psychiatrist asked in the end.

Kihyun looked lost, this will guarantee that he is insane, fucked up in the head.

But he promised to try and get better. And if the meds will help, who is he to say no.

‘’Yes.’’ Kihyun said.

She told Kihyun the names of the meds he was going to take. Weird names, was what Kihyun thought.

‘’Just remember that it takes time for them to kick in and there are side effects, that include anxiety, suicidal tendencies, insomnia, anxiety…’’ She gave a whole list of things Kihyun should be aware of.

Kihyun already regretting agreeing, because it felt like the meds will make him worse than he was.

‘’You also won’t feel it work. It might not be the right one for you, or not the right dosage. It takes time.’’

Great more bad news. Kihyun just wants a magic pill he takes once and can be done with it.

‘’Road to recovery is not easy.’’ She said sternly. ‘’And you really have to want to get better as well.’’

Kihyun nodded.

‘’Is there anyone I should tell these things as well, to make sure someone is looking after you.’’

‘’My friend who is waiting for me right now.’’ Kihyun said.

The psychiatrist called Hyunwoo in the room as well, giving him the same lecture he did to Kihyun. With every passing moment, Kihyun sank lower in the chair, feeling smaller and smaller, more pathetic than before.

Shownu listened to it all attentively.

Kihyun felt Shownu’s hand on top of his, squeezing it a little, just to let him know he is there. And he is not going anywhere.

Finally it was over.

‘’I’m so exhausted, this was horrible.’’ Kihyun told Shownu when he was certain that he was out of the psychiatrist reach.

He didn’t even notice that Shownu was still gripping his hand tightly.

‘’I’m glad you are doing this.’’

 

‘’What do you want to eat. It’s on me.’’ Shownu asked Kihyun, ‘’You deserve something good. Chicken?’’ he was grinning.

‘’It’s like you read my mind hyung.’’ Kihyun gave his dimple smile to Shownu.

‘’Let’s go, I found this great new place the other day.’’ Shownu dragged Kihyun behind him, fingers interlocked.

To others it probably looked like they were a couple. Maybe that’s why some gave weird looks, seeing how they are both men.

It’s a good thing Kihyun was wearing a face mask, because his cheeks were blushing red. Shownu was so embarrassing. But he wasn’t going to let go of this steady hand, ever.

 

**

 

Kihyun came to the kitchen and slammed his bottle of pills on the table. Minhyuk and Wonho jumped at that sudden loud noise, Jooheon glared at him with wide eyes, and Shownu almost dropped his glass he was drinking from.

’These are not working.’’ He was pissed off. If anything, he felt worse than before starting taking medication.

‘’Kihyun, it’s only been a few days. The doctor said that there will be side effects and that it takes time for them to kick in.’’ Shownu reminded Kihyun.

‘’Have some patience.’’ Minhyuk threw his hand over Kihyun’s shoulder to show his support.

‘’Get off me.’’ Kihyun practically ripped Minhyuk’s hand from his shoulder and stomped away, not daring to look at the faces.

Wonho pulled Minhyuk closer to him, who looked so hurt at what Kihyun had done.

Few moments later, Hyungwon and Changkyun came to the kitchen, to ask about Kihyun. Because the two were watching TV when Kihyun ran in and closed it, looking at us like we offended him somehow. What can we do to help him?’’ Hyungwon was explaining.

Changkyun stood next to Hyungwon, casting his eyes on the floor. He feels useless, not knowing how to help.

Shownu really doesn’t know what to tell them.

‘’Let’s just be patient and let him know he has us. I think that’s all we can really do for now. He needs to know we are with him.’’ Shownu said, looking at the door from where Kihyun walked out of.

‘’Is it okay to leave Kihyun-hyung alone?’’ Jooheon asked what everyone was thinking.

They all looked at the leader like he has all the answers. Except he doesn’t, but he can’t let them know.

‘’We shouldn’t invade his space unless he invites us to. I don’t think it’s good for him if we suffocate him like that.’’ Shownu voiced his opinion. ‘’I’m sorry, but can you clean after you have done eating.’’ He asked kindly from Wonho, Minhyuk and Jooheon.

‘’Of course.’’ They weren’t going to argue with him, not now at least.

 

**

The whole group was watching TV in the living room. Shownu had managed to get Kihyun to join them. But Kihyun was twitching. Shownu noticed it and nudged him pointing at the empty space next to Minhyuk.

Kihyun wanted to apologize for his outburst earlier.

‘’Go.’’ Shownu whispered and smiled.

Kihyun got up and maneuvered behind them all and sat down next to Minhyuk.

‘’Min,’’ Kihyun softly poked at the other, ‘’I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to go off like that.’’ He kept his eyes on his lap. He can’t bear to look at Minhyuk, he knows he hurt him.

‘’It’s alright, I’m glad you are talking to me again.’’ Minhyuk was grinning. He had been feeling down ever since Kihyun brushed him off.

Kihyun leaned on Minhyuk’s shoulder and glanced at Shownu, who gave him a smile of approval.

His heart skipped a beat. Kihyun blamed it on anxiety and turned his attention back to the movie. Except he suddenly wished Shownu would hold his hand again, or would sleep next to him again. He wanted to be closer to Shownu.

 

Kihyun was lying awake at bed, no sleep seemed to come. He was tossing and turning, feeling so lonely.

He was tired, but couldn’t fall asleep.

He got up from his bed, and  out of the room. He could go sleep next to Jooheon, he loves sleeping with other members.

Or Minhyuk, he is kind of like Jooheon about that.

But this was just Kihyun lying to himself.

He stepped into Shownu’s room and gently woke him up.

‘’Can’t sleep huh?’’ Shownu asked, when he saw who it was.

‘’No. Can I sleep here.’’ Kihyun was really shy about it. This being the first time he ever asked that.

Shownu said nothing, only made more room in the bed for Kihyun, who crawled under the covers.

His back was towards Shownu. Neither said anything.

As he was dozing off, finally, Kihyun felt Shownu put his arm around his waist.

Safe.

That’s what Kihyun felt. Safe.

 

_Just one more. I need one more._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun and Shownu slowly starting to develop? wild.  
> this was actually the calmest chapter out of all of them.  
> i hope you all are doing good! I died with Shine Forever ~~


	7. End me

Kihyun woke up a little disorientated. Every day for the past 2 weeks he has gone to Shownu’s room, sleeping next to the leader.

He just couldn’t sleep alone. Somehow being near Shownu made his brain stop the mental torture.

It was easy, the way the other man oozed out the calmness. Kihyun couldn’t help himself, trying to be as much as with the other as he could, just so he could feel like he used to.

‘’How did you sleep?’’ Shownu, who just woke up seconds after Kihyun, asked, running his hand through his messy hair, making it even worse.

Kihyun chuckled at that. The sight of just woken Shownu was really adorable. He wouldn’t mind waking up to this for the rest of his life.

And if Kihyun was more awake, he would have thought this idea to be odd, because since when did he start thinking of their leader like this.

‘’I slept good hyung.’’ Kihyun smiled, and tried to fix Shownu’s hair after seeing how much Shownu kept struggling with it.

‘’Let me,’’ Kihyun slapped away Shownu’s hands, ‘’you are just making it worse.’’

Shownu side eyed Kihyun, whose own hair was probably even worse, but it looked so soft and fluffy.

‘’Ki?’’ Shownu softly asked, but the seriousness was there deeply rooted in his voice.

‘’Mm?’’ Kihyun mumbled, still focusing really hard on Shownu’s hair, it just didn’t want to straighten out and it was pissing Kihyun off.

‘’How have you been lately?’’

‘’Better.’’ Kihyun said, and he really meant it. ‘’I have been feeling really good lately. You don’t need to worry.’’

‘’I always worry.’’ Shownu grabbed Kihyun’s hand. ‘’You’ll tell me if you start feeling bad again, right? He squeezed Kihyun’s hand tightly.

‘’I will Hyunwoo.’’ Using Shownu’s name, he knew Kihyun really meant it.

‘’I think you should really switch room with Wonho. You move here and he goes to Kyun’s.’’ Shownu said, and got up from the bed looking for clothes to put on.

‘’Are you asking me to move in with you?’’ Kihyun dramatically acted, clutching his shirt.

‘’You are already living here anyways Kihyun.’’ Shownu lazily snarked back.

‘’You need to put a ring on this finger,’’ Kihyun raised his ring finger, pointing at it with heart eyes, ‘’I’m a simple guy.’’

‘’I’ll work really hard to buy you the best ring.’’ Shownu laughed, which made Kihyun glare before laughing as well.

These kinds of morning were the best, both of them joking, smiling. The whole atmosphere was just so relaxing.

And Kihyun is playing a dangerous game. With Shownu. His hyung, a friend, team leader.

 

**

‘’I think I’m in love.’’ Kihyun said to his psychologist at their 7th meeting.

‘’With that handsome man who waits for you every time you come here?’’ she smiled, but then stopped when she saw the troubling face.

‘’But it might just be me latching onto someone who is trying to help me and I’m confusing it with love.’’ Kihyun explained.

‘’This is one way of thinking. And it’s a good thing you came up with it yourself.’’ She agreed. She has seen this pattern way too many times.

‘’Do you want to talk about that or maybe we should discuss your general state.’’

‘’I’m fine, I think. I mean it seems that the meds are working, I’m calmer. My friends pointed it out. And I’m feeling a little bit more like myself.’’

‘’No intrusive thoughts, impulses, urges to hurt yourself?’’ she asked, and took notes of everything Kihyun said.

‘’Not really? I sometimes find myself thinking everything to be pointless, but that’s only when I am alone.’’ Kihyun explained, he wasn’t lying.

‘’I sleep better than before.’’ Kihyun added, smile playing on his lips, he thanks Shownu for this.

‘’What are you smiling about?’’ his psychologist asked, looking at him questionably.

‘’Is it okay for me to love someone? When I am like this? When I am sick?’’ Kihyun asked, he needed to know. ‘’And to be loved back? Being the way I am? How could anyone love someone like me?’’

‘’I suggest you take two steps back, and try to figure out if you may have liked said person before you ended up like this. And to answer your question. Yes, it is. It’s completely okay. People need to be loved, and to feel love themselves, whether it’s a lover, a friend, family member or so on. You are allowed to feel it. And you definitely deserve to be loved. Just because your brain chemistry is messed up, just because your brain is sick doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be loved. You wouldn’t say this to someone with a physical sickness would you. Mental illness is as much as an illness as any.’’

Kihyun looked at her wide eyed. It really made him feel much better. He wanted to thank her, or something, anything. How grateful he was, it really did ease his mind a lot. But he just nodded in acknowledgment.

‘’Are you taking your meds regularly?’’ she asked out of nowhere.

‘’Uh, yes. My members ask me and remind me every time.’’ Kihyun answered. Leaving out a minor teeny tiny detail of few occasions he deliberately doesn’t take them and ends up lying about it.

‘’Good, because otherwise it won’t help. Recovery is a difficult road and relapses are bound to happen. But hearing how good of a support system you have, I have no doubt that it must be easier with them by your side.’’ The psychologist said and glanced at the clock. ‘’Our time’s up, but  I’ll see you next week Kihyun. Take care of yourself, don’t push people away either.’’

 

**

Kihyun was feeling on the edge, out of nowhere his anxiety had skyrocketed. It had been nearly a week since he last felt like crap. He was pacing around the bedroom. He took one pill. But the anxiety still didn’t subside.

He took one more, hoping that the double amount will do something, anything.

But nothing.

So he took another.

And another.

And another.

Because the damn anxiety was driving him insane and he needed it to stop.

‘’Useless meds.’’ Kihyun swore as he ate a whole bunch of them before throwing the bottle across the room and the rest of the tiny white pills were spilled across the area.

Kihyun started to feel drowsy and his vision was getting blurry.

He was certain that he was collapsing but he never did feel himself hitting the ground.

‘’Stay with me Ki. Don’t close your eyes.’’  It was Shownu’s voice. ‘’Talk to me.’’

‘’What are you doing back so early.’’ Kihyun asked, but it was really silent, Shownu almost didn’t hear anything.

‘’The help is on its way Ki. I need you to stay focused and not fall asleep.’’ Shownu ordered, his voice sounded weird to Kihyun. This is not how Shownu speaks.

They sat on the bedroom floor until the paramedics came. Shownu forcing Kihyun to speak, to not close his eyes, to be alert.

Kihyun felt wet drops on his skin that seemed to fell out of nowhere. It couldn’t have been rain because they were inside his room.

The wet drops came from Shownu.

Not once has anyone ever seen Shownu cry.

Seeing Shownu cry was the most heartbreaking thing Kihyun has ever seen or any of the members. He can’t believe he was the one to cause the strong man to broke down like that.

All because he wanted to make his anxiety stop. Even though he knew he shouldn’t have taken the pills. He knew damn well that it will cause trouble. But he did it anyways.

He wanted to tell he loves Shownu, and how sorry he is that he keeps putting him through hell all the time. He wanted to tell him he wanted to be more, when he got better. But seems like this train has passed.

 

‘’Sir, I need you to let go of him, we will take care of him.’’ One of the paramedics told Shownu, who was still holding him in his arms.

‘’Shownu, hey Shownu.’’ Wonho was the second person on the scene. He was trying to get Shownu to react to the surroundings, because his eyes were fixated on Kihyun.

‘’Can I go with him?’’ Shownu asked, his voice was raspy and desperate.

‘’Sorry, family members only.’’ The other paramedic said as they put Kihyun on the carrier and took him out in to the vehicle.

‘’We are his family,’’ it was Minhyuk who said that, and the rest of the members who appeared, Jooheon, Hyungwon and Changkyun together with Wonho agreed.

Whatever the paramedic wanted to say was stopped, when Kihyun went into shock. He was having a seizure.

‘’Get moving. NOW! We are losing him.’’ The ambulance door was slammed shut in front of their faces and the city was filled with the sound of the sirens.

The sirens were mocking Shownu.

Mocking all of them.

There were so many things Shownu wanted to say to Kihyun, and now he might never have the chance.

 

_Please don’t take him from me. Anyone but him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YO~ it's the local mess, who got theirself into a god damn mess irl and is constantly yelling into the void, hence why I haven't been writing/updating anything. I'm so sorry!!!! I'm trying to get back to it!!
> 
> I hope you all are doing good!!! how have you been?


	8. Bring me back

"Shownu hyung? "Hyungwon said as he sat next to Shownu on the couch.   
Shownu laid his head on Hyungwon’s shoulder and said nothing. Neither of them said anything really.

Moments later Hyungwon felt Shownu trembling. He was crying, and Hyungwon wrapped his protective arm around him like Shownu usually did for them.  

"It’s going to be okay."

"It’s my fault." Shownu said in between his hiccups that were filling the room. "I was too late. I didn’t notice, it was my job and I didn’t notice."

"He is going to be fine. He is Kihyun." Hyungwon said, his own eyes glassy and gathering tears as well. He usually could control his emotions, but not now.

Jooheon walked into the room, not knowing what was going on. One look at the scene and he was instantly on the other side of Shownu, doing the same thing Hyungwon did. Feeling a surge of overprotectiveness to his hyung.

One by one, the rest appeared as well. Changkyun sat down in front of Shownu, laying his head on his lap hands wrapped around his legs. Wonho squeezing somewhere between Hyungwon and Minhyuk between Jooheon. Shownu in the midst of all of them, being cuddled by everyone.

They were to support and console the leader and each other.

Anyone who ever says that they are acting that they are close are just spouting nonsense.

One member is in pain and suffering, and it becomes everyone’s burden to bear. And right now, the rest 5 are carrying Shownu’s troubles.

 

**

‘’Kihyun, if you can hear me…’’ Shownu’s voice cracked. ‘’…I need you to wake up.’’ Squeezing the limp hand in his.

Minhyuk and Hyungwon wanted to visit Kihyun as well, opening the door silently, but saw that someone was already there. 

They saw Shownu, and he looked wrecked. Like an empty shell of a man he used to be.

They had grown accostumed to the ever smiling Shownu, but the past 2 months have been nothing but hell for everyone, Kihyun’s parents, the group, the fans, company.

 

They keep on lying through their teeth to their fans every time they ask where’s Kihyun.

The lie of Kihyun being sick with flu and is at home with his parents only worked for the first 2 weeks.

Then Kihyun hurt his knee and he doesn’t want to show his face to fans because he thinks they are disappointed.

Sometimes the rest of the members acted like Kihyun was answering on fancafe to the fans.

Vlives were even worse than fanmeetings, because how are you going to wriggle your way out of Kihyun not being there at their home.

Everyone got more and more restless.

Their company decided that if Kihyun doesn’t wake up by the end of the 3rd month, they are releasing a statement on what really happened and what will happen to Monsta X. Will they continue as a 6-people group or what?

 

**

‘’It’s really lonely without you by our side. By my side’’ Shownu said.

Every time he visited Kihyun, he talked more than he ever has, hoping that it will reach Kihyun. Maybe he will hear his voice and come back. He talked about what they did, who they met, and so on. He just talked.

‘’It’s cold. Sleeping alone Kihyun.’’ Shownu looked at the table besides the bed. A vase full of flowers, some were wilting already.

Shownu felt like the wilted flowers.

Half a month left.

‘’I love you so much. I wanted to tell you that under better circumstances. I had the whole thing planned out how I was going to confess. That photo exhibition you wanted to visit, but never had the time. And the restaurant near your college you sometimes went when you had extra money. And end the day by watching that movie you always recommended during movie nights but no one ever wanted to watch. And then I’d take you outside to the backyard, and hope that I never misread you, that you like me back. And tell you how much you mean to me. Wait for your answer, hoping for the positive one. And then I’d kiss you and whisper again how important you are to me. And thank you for so many things.’’

The sound of the door opening shut Shownu up. It was one of the interns, young man he has become good friends with, because he visited when it was the man’s shift.

‘’Hyunwoo-hyung, you are here again. Like clockwork.’’

‘’Hi Jinwoo.’’ Shownu smiled. ‘’How did your exam go?’’ he asked, but still holding onto Kihyun’s hand. It’s not like he needs to hide it from Jinwoo.

Shownu and Jinwoo bonded during one of Shownu’s daily visits, he needed to tell someone how he feels. Turns out they are more alike than they thought.

‘’I think it went well, we are getting the results next week.’’ Jinwoo said, looking at Kihyun’s stats. ‘’Oh.’’

‘’What oh?’’ Shownu was suddenly alert.

‘’There was a momentary change in Kihyun’s brain activity, right before I came here.’’ Jinwoo said, looking at Shownu. ‘’Did you talk to him? Because people in coma can hear what goes around them.’’

‘’Uh yeah. I always talk to him.’’ Shownu’s eyes were shining with hope.

‘’This conversation must have been way different from the previous ones then.’’ He commented as he replaced the empty IV.

‘’I’ll check on him later, you should go home and rest. No offense to your good looks, but right now you look awful hyung.’’

‘’You are only a few days younger than me Jinwoo.’’ Shownu was pulling his hoodie on. ‘’Stop calling me hyung.’’ He laughed.

Something he hasn’t done in a while. Hearing that Kihyun reacted to his talking really lifted his mood.

‘’It’s great to see you in a good mood.’’ Jinwoo smiled. ‘’Hear that Yoo Kihyun. Someone is waiting for you. Wake up soon. I would like to meet you one day.’’

‘’And someone is waiting for you too Jinwoo.’’ Shownu smirked.

‘’AAh get out already Hyunwoo.‘’ Jinwoo threw a piece of crumpled paper towards Shownu, blushing a little, damn that playful Shownu.

‘’Fine fine, I’m leaving.’’ Shownu stood up from the chair and brushed Kihyun’s hair, exposing his forehead, and planted a soft kiss.

‘’I’ll come back tomorrow.’’

‘’I’ll call you if there are any changes.’’ Jinwoo told and Shownu nodded in acknowledgment, before closing the door behind him.

 

**

You could say that Minhyuk is the mood maker, but really, the whole mood of the group actually was influenced by Shownu. And today, today was a good day.

Ever since Shownu got back from his daily visit, he has been in a relatively chipper mood.

He managed to be at the dorm for about 10 minutes, telling everyone what happened and easing their minds before his phone rang.

It was Jinwoo.

‘’Yes.’’ Shownu answered the phone. He was terrified. He just left. What if something happened to Kihyun.

‘’He is awake Hyunwoo.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yooo~~. Me, a mess is back. 
> 
> The end is near. (sounds so ominous lmao) but what I mean is that the end for this fic is nearing. There will be few more chapters according to my current plan  
> Btw, Jinwoo OC grew on me, idk how he even came to exist but he did and here I am, hoping the best for him in his life. (I rly did google most popular Korean male names for this ahhaha)
> 
> (also i mma try get back to the others i ve put on hold T_T )


	9. KEEP ME

‘’Don’t crowd him, approach slowly. Just saying, he might have a temporary amnesia, so don’t be hurt if he doesn’t recognize you or there are things he doesn’t remember.’’ Jinwoo said, looking at Shownu.

Shownu only nodded as he took slow and steady steps towards Kihyun. His heart was heavy in his chest, what if Kihyun doesn’t recognize him?

‘’Hi?’’ It came out more like a question, Shownu winced at his unsteady voice.

‘’Hi.’’ Kihyun said firmly.

Shownu’s heart sank, it seems like Kihyun really doesn’t remember him.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ He said. ‘’Shownu I’m sorry. I know you don’t want to hear this but I need to say this again. I’m sorry.’’ The life returning to Kihyun’s eyes, the pain, emotions flooding quickly.

‘’Hey hey, it’s alright Kihyun. It’s fine. What matters is that you are back.’’ Shownu was on his side faster than lightning.

‘’I let you down so many times, how can you even stand the sight of me?’’ Kihyun spat out, he was so angry at himself.

‘’Because you don’t leave the ones you love Kihyun.’’ Shownu said calmly, and that seemed to have an effect on Kihyun.

‘’Do you want to see the others?’’

‘’Are they here?’’ the vocalist sounded excited, and Shownu couldn’t be happier about it.

He made his way to the door.

‘’You can come in.’’ Shownu told the rest of the members who were waiting patiently behind the door for a chance to talk to Kihyun.

‘’Hey Yoo Kihyun.’’ Jooheon said his name the way he always says it.

Kihyun smiled at that. ‘’Jooheon, stop.’’ It sounded like the scolding he used to do, and Jooheon will never admit this but he missed the scolding Kihyun.

‘’Welcome back man.’’ The rapper grinned, he was so happy to have his hyung back.

‘’Kihyun, I bought new games I want to play when we get back home.’’ Minhyuk grinned and handed a bag to Kihyun. It had several new games that recently came out and some older ones that are hard to come by these days.

‘’Thank you Minhyuk.’’ Kihyun glimpsed into the bag. ‘’I can’t wait to beat your ass.’’ He smirked.

‘’Wonho. Your eyes are red.’’ Kihyun noted, guilt filling him.

‘’Don’t ever do this to us again Kihyun.’’ That was all Wonho could say and he started to tear up again.

‘’Hey hey, I’m okay! Wonho I’m okay.’’ Kihyun reaffirmed his friend.

Hyungwon came behind everyone, and joined in with Kihyun to comfort their emotional member.

‘’Kihyun.’’ Hyungwon sounded so serious like he was about to say something rude. ‘’ I missed you.’’ And broke into a smile, and Kihyun smiled back.

‘’Kyun?’’ Kihyun noticed the lack of the youngest.

‘’He is pissed off at you, he said he won’t come in unless you promise to clean his room for the whole month.’’ Hyungwon said, trying not to burst into laughter.

Really, their maknae was such a mystery sometimes.

‘’Changkyun! I promise I’ll help you clean your room.’’ Kihyun yelled with his raspy voice.

‘’That’s good enough for me.’’ He answered behind the door before stepping in and running to his favourite hyung.

‘’You were supposed to teach me how to cook.’’

‘’I will.’’ Kihyun said and patted Changkyun’s head like he was a puppy, but honestly, it felt like sometimes he is.

‘’You got lucky, Mr. Yoo. A lot of patients who wake up form short term coma have memory problems but you seem to be fine.’’ Jinwoo interrupted the emotional gathering.  
  
The vocalist sat there, in the cold white room, surrounded by the closest friends, and he really had to take a step back and think about everything that happened that led him here.

Nothing he wants to say will ever be enough he has caused so much problems, so many worries. The only thing he can really do is just give his best at fighting! When the people he cherishes the most are still around, after he has hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up.

 

‘’Uh, about the, group?’’ Am I kicked out? Or?’’ Kihyun’s voice was shivering as he asked that. He closed his eyes, he doesn’t know how he will come back from this if his career ended here.

‘’You are still ours. There is no other place for you than Monsta X lead vocalist. You aren’t getting rid of us that easily.’’

And just like that, a burden was lifted, he still belonged, he still had a place, he had supportive friends, he was never alone. And he never will be.

The room became lively, everyone wanted to talk, they laughed and joked a lot. For hours. But it felt like only minutes had passed.

‘’You will be fine. We, we all will be fine. We are stronger together.’’ Shownu said to Kihyun when he kissed his forehead before leaving.

‘’I’ll tell the fans that you are back soon yeah?’’ Pulling away from the other.

‘’Tell them I missed them a lot, I’ll make up for the time I wasn’t there.’’ Kihyun answered the leader.

‘’Ahem.’’ The forgotten Jinwoo coughed for attention.

‘’Ah yea, almost forgot. Kihyun this is Jinwoo, the nurse who took care of you while you were out. We became friends and I promised him I’ll introduce the two of you.’’

‘Thank you for taking care of me.’’ Kihyun smiled softly at the other man. He looked friendly and he is Shownu’s friend so he must be a nice person.

‘’Okay we have to go. Manager will pick you up tomorrow to take you home, while we are at a radio show.’’ It was Minhyuk who reminded them all.

Everybody said few encouraging words before leaving.

Kihyun was left alone in the room, but he was happy. And ready to start a new chapter in his life. No. Not a chapter. He is going to start a new book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a mess of a human being is back. found that little spark of writing after all this time. i never abandoned this fic in case u were wondering, i always thought about this, finally wrote, thru half closed eyes and sleep deprivation, but i did !! and i was so proud of myself since its lit been forever T_T


	10. LOVE ME FOREVER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u getting a double update cuz i am a horrible author ~~

Few months later

 

‘’Hey.’’ Kihyun jumped into Shownu’s lap, making himself comfortable, finding a good position.

Shownu instinctively wrapped his arms around Kihyun. ‘’Hey you too.’’

‘’Waah, Shownu-hyung and Kihyun-hyung are being gross again.’’ Jooheon shrieked.

‘’Ah Jooheon, didn’t notice you were here too.’’ Kihyun snickered.

‘’It’s all because of your heart eyes man.’’ Jooheon tried to mimic the way Kihyun is around Shownu. It only made Kihyun blush and stutter. He loves to show off, but he still gets shy when someone teases him about it. Jooheon surprisingly is the one who does it the most.

 

***

‘’I never thanked you for staying by my side through everything. After all the things I did, betrayed your trust, hurt you, you still stood by me, even when I did everything that should have pushed you away.’’

‘’Ki…’’

‘’I’m not done yet hyung.’’ Kihyun cut him off, smiling gently. He has a lot to say. Mostly he needs to let know Shownu that his unwavering love was one the reasons he never let go.

Shownu looked at Kihyun. Giving off the vibe of _I’m here, I’m listening_.

‘’So, thank you for keeping me alive, making me fight. I almost threw away my dream I worked so hard to accomplish. I almost threw away all my friends. But most of all, I almost lost you.’’ Kihyun’s voice cracked at the end. He took in a breath before continuing. Didn’t even notice that Shownu grabbed his hand and clutched it.

‘’I missed waking up to your warmth, the wave of comfort and safety you brought. I can never repay you for this.’’

 

 

***

‘’Okay, I guess that’s it Kihyun. Our last meeting has ended. I can tell you are really healing this time around. It was wrong to let you get back to work so quick the first time.’’

Kihyun just nodded in acknowledgment. It’s not like he is going to disagree with his doctor.

‘’Just know that my door is always open for you if you ever need me. By the way,’’ she looked at KIhyun, ‘’how are you and that handsome guy of yours?’’

Kihyun’s cheeks immediately turned red.

‘’Ah, that good I see.’’ The psychologist giggled. ‘’Tell him I wish you the best.’’

‘’Thank you so much for everything.’’

He stood up and was ready to leave, but turned back to give her one last glance. ‘’I’ll never forget anything you did for me.’’ Giving her a bright smile of his.

 

***

The second Kihyun got out of the psychologist office he noticed the lack of someone’s presence. He took out his phone and saw a message from said someone.

_I’m waiting for you at the park – sh_

 

 

‘’Why did you leave?’’ Kihyun asked out of curiosity.

‘’I had to get something. Give me your left hand.’’ Shownu said.

Kihyun lifted his left hand.

He felt something being put around his ring finger.

‘’I saved up a lot for this. You said you’ll move in to my room if I have a ring.’’

Kihyun was stunned, he couldn’t think clearly.

‘’Was…was that not okay? I’m sorry…’’ Shownu started to panic, did he fuck up.

Finally Kihyun came back to earth.

‘’Ah no no it’s, it’s perfect.’’ His eyes were shining with tears. The pure happiness he felt in that moment was too much.

‘’But Wonho and Changkyun?’’

‘’Don’t worry, I talked to them and they agreed to switch.’’ Shownu told Kihyun who was obviously worried about it.

He took Kihyun’s delicate hand, and slipped the ring on his finger, and it fit perfectly. Of course it did, Shownu had been sneaky about getting the size right.

Kihyun couldn’t take this distance between them anymore, so he wrapped his hands around Shownu’s neck, questioning look in his eyes, asking for permission.

And since more often than not, they don’t need words to talk, Shownu finally kissed Kihyun.

It was more than perfect for their first kiss. The dark past behind them, only brightness ahead.

Kihyun pulled away first because unlike Shownu, who has swimmer lungs, he needed air.

Shownu stared at Kihyun, and the way his eyes glistened under the sunlight. How his face was blushing up to his ears. How his smile light up Shownu’s entire world.

And Kihyun kissed Shownu again, and again, as if he was trying to make up for all the time he lost.

‘’Hey hey, Kihyun, I’m not going anywhere,’’ Shownu laughed in between the kissing, ‘’you really are something Ki.’’

‘’Sorry Hyunwoo.’’ Kihyun said, but he didn’t look sorry at all, with his mischievous smile.

‘’Come on let’s go, I have the whole day planned out.’’ Shownu pulled Kihyun by the hand, rambling about all the places he wants to take Kihyun to.

By the end of the day when they got back to the dorm, tired, but happy, not once did they let go of each other.

All the lights were out in the place. It was pretty late so it made sense.

They creeped up to Shownu’s, and now Kihyun’s room.

Shownu collapsed on the bed after changing his clothes. Kihyun took a bit more time, he was still shy.

He eventually slowly laid down next to his leader, his teammate. His friend… his boyfriend.

‘’I, uh.’’ Kihyun looked away from Shownu like it hurt to look at him. ‘’Hyu…Aaa, Shownu…’’

‘’What is it?’’ Shownu looked alert at this.

‘’I love you Hyunwoo.’’ Kihyun blurted out and turned his back to Shownu in embarrasement.

‘’Ki,’’ Shownu wrapped his arm around Kihyun’s frame, ‘’I love you so much.’’

Nothing else was said, both of them fell asleep with a smile on their face, and peace in their heart.

 

Shownu was the steady rock keeping Kihyun at bay, and sane. Even when Kihyun drifted away when the illnness took hold, he came back, he always comes back. Things never got so bad like they used to, because he knows what to hold onto, what matters more than a moment of silence. His dream he fought with everything he had. His family he loved more than anything. His teammates and friends who always looked out for him. His Shownu, his home, the one and only who never left him, so Kihyun will always try his hardest to never lose himself again.

 

 

** EPILOGUE **

 

‘’Hi monbebe, I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since we debuted. Every anniversary has always been so special, we were always so surprised that we had been together as Monsta X for a year, two years, three years. And now we are celebrating our 10th. It’s only possible thanks to your support. I love you Monbebe, bye~’’ Shownu ended his short video message to the fans.

‘’Still a man of few words.’’ Kihyun commented and handed him a coffee cup. ‘’10 years and you are still the same.’’

‘’So are you. You will spout some cheesy lines to the fans.’’ Shownu took a sip from his drink.

‘’Well you should be glad that I keep the best for you.’’ The shorter said, making his way to his place, Shownu’s lap.

‘’I’d get jealous over our fans if you told them half the stuff you tell me.’’

‘’I love monbebe, but I love you more Hyunwoo.’’ Kihyun stood up. ‘’Let’s go, we have a special stage for our fans to get ready for.’’

‘’Right after you!’’

The gold band around Kihyun’s ring finger matched the one on Shownu’s.

A lot of things happened, Monsta X got their win, and another and another. They gained more and more popularity, but they still stayed the same humble boys. Only wiser. They still have that spark, that youth in them after everything they have been through.

And Kihyun. Kihyun got better as time went by. When the public found out about Kihyun, surprisingly enough he got a lot of support and people wishing him the best on the recovery.

Shownu and Kihyun had their own version of a wedding after having been together for 5 years, it’s not like they could have an actual one with the current laws in the country. But it was enough, in their hearts it was enough. And everyone who mattered, supported. Fans suspected, the public doesn’t care and it was enough.

‘’We will shine for another 10, 20 years. We will Shine Forever monbebe.’’ Kihyun closed the app after saying good night to the fans who stayed up watching their anniversary live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My life rly is a complete garbage these days and then I lost my entire touch with writing and so on. But not once did I ever think about not updating, didn’t want to abandon my little project my challenge, my first Showki fic. And now it has ended. I feel a little sad really, out of all the fics I have written, this was my favourite one to come back to and write.  
> i'll miss this T_T

**Author's Note:**

> the first showki i ever wrote~~ almost 2 months ago?


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